On my mind...

Today, my horoscope says that it will be difficult for me to express what I'm trying to express, that the words may not come to me as easily as I want or be as clear as I'm hoping for. And yes, before I go any further, yes, I read my horoscope on a daily basis. I know that I'm a virgo, overly logical, and therefore should not ever read my horoscope, but I do. I also read them for everyone else I know. Brian and the other scorpios out there will have difficulty concentrating; Jenn, Dad and Chris need to clear out the clutter in their lives, and Bill F., Mom, Denise and Bella will be giving philosophical advice to the people they know. Personally, I think I'm going to look to Bella for this since, at age 1 1/2 months, she's probably got just the insight I need.

So, back to my point. My horoscope is right, because I don't know how to express anything today. Mom called last night and let me know that my Aunt Irene, who has basically been my replacement grandmother since my real one died when mom was little, has just been diagnosed with cancer. And I feel.... well... I don't know. I'm not exactly numb, because I've got some anger -- I mean, the woman is almost 80. Shouldn't she just get to be peaceful, and not go through this at her age? But then I feel like that's not right, because really no one should have to, and the fact that she's had a long life with a loving family shouldn't make her any more special.

Except of course that she is. She is by far the funniest person I have ever met. Largely because she has no idea that she's funny. Despite the fact that she is sweet, and old, and a lady, she has been able to avoid becoming a sweet old lady, which I can respect, because when that happens, you just want to pat them on the head and move on. With my aunt, you know that if you did that, she'd smack you for it. She attributes her attitude to her being Russian but I think its just because she's Aunt Irene.

All I can think right now is that John should really get to work on that cancer treatment thing that I didn't exactly understand when he explained it to me, and use that Yale education for something good. More later....

This year, I will turn 30. I know, I know, to all of you who are older than me, what's the big deal, its just a number, blah blah blah. But to me, what occurs to me is that I have missed my chance to do something stupid. At 22, 23, etc. I was more likely to be carrying someone home when they could no longer stand than to have someone else holding me up. Not that I didn't have my moments, of course, but I was always aware of the consequences of everything. I've thought through every decision I've ever made to the n-th degree. And, as a general rule, I've made the "smart" decision.

Now, I wonder, what the heck was I thinking? At 22, I could've gotten away with something stupid, something reckless, simply because I was a kid. Now I can't even think of anything I want to do. I go to work, I come home and, as a general rule, I'm fairly happy with life. I just wonder, now that I'm about to turn a page into having to REALLY be an adult (as opposed to the way I've been faking it for the past 10 years or so), if maybe I missed out on something.

I suppose I'm thinking of the sentiment of that "when I'm an old woman i will wear purple" thing. I'm just trying to figure out if I can wear purple now (figuratively speaking, of course, since purple is just not my color) without having to be old. My sister is able to do this. She's always been the fun one, and I've always been, well, not. As we got older, people said we were becoming more alike and I thought "yeah! maybe I'm getting more fun!" but really, she was just getting older and more reasonable.

So, here's where I ask for your help. I'm looking for something stupid and reckless to do, maybe just to prove how not-yet-old I am. If anyone can think of anything, I'd appreciate the info.

Two things tonight.... One on my thinking and then just one small political comment... First, on my thinking process... I've been thinking alot about fate lately. About whether everything that happens happens because it's supposed to, or if maybe, just maybe, everything just happens with no path or meaning to it at all.

Not that there's any way for us to really know, because for all we know, fate is just waiting down the road for us -- just there at the end to say, "see, you took the most ridiculous, backwards way to get here, but you're here nonetheless. You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you would've turned right instead of left back when you were 11, but you still would've ended up right here."

Jenn (the aforementioned blogger) suggested that I watch Sliding Doors after I had a very extended 2am-on-a-schoolnight version of this fate conversation with her. Not because the movie is good, but because it questions whether or not one split second (in that case, making or not making it onto a subway) would change your life. The answer the movie comes up with is no, not really, you'll still end up in the same place. Which, in a way, kind of depresses me. That, while I might blame everything on something that happened almost a decade ago, really it would all end up the same anyway. I'd still end up exactly where I am, you'd all be exactly where you are.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all just an elaborate way of getting to where we're supposed to be anyway. And we all figure it out when fate brings us together at age 80 in our nursing homes...

On to my second thought. I generally try to remain fairly immune to the whole political process, (mainly because I generally think that all politicians are full of crap), though I admit to being a bleeding heart liberal. I try not to care too much, because I suspect that they're all saying the same thing on both sides of the aisle. So, I have just one comment on tonight's state of the union address. Please learn to pronounce your words before you talk to me about teaching our children basic skills. Its NUCLEAR, George. NUCLEAR. Not Nucular. I read an column a while back on how we should accept how he says that because that's what a lot of people say. As if all of a sudden, because lots of people say something, its perfectly acceptable. Now I guess we all have to start saying Liberry and Suposebly.

I stole this idea from my sis. Here are the things you should know about me to be able to deal with me effectively :)

1. Astrologically speaking, I'm on the cusp between a Virgo and a Libra.
2. The older I get, the more I act like a Libra.
3. I actually ready my horoscope pretty regularly.
4. I usually read it when something freaky happens, so that I can feel like it was karmically justified.
5. I read a ridiculous number of silly magazines and fluff chic-lit.
6. I try to sneak in a "quality" book once in a while, so that my education isn't wasted.
7. My favorite ever books are The Outsiders, Bluebeards Egg, and Handmaid's Tale.
8. I have a weird love of movies that are made from books I've never read.
9. I generally hate movies of books I have read.
10. The Outsiders is the exception to this rule.
11. I have a wonderful family, both immediate and extended.
12. I usually feel "out of the loop" around my extended family because they are more fun than me.
13. I often feel "out of the loop" on a regular basis.
14. I am one of the most insecure people I know.
15. I usually cover it pretty well with sarcasm and an obnoxious sense of humor.
16. I usually love or hate people right away and rarely change my mind, even with evidence to the contrary.
17. Drunk me often loves people right away who end up being jerks, but sober me feels too bad to blow them off.
18. I once hit a guy because he said that he liked me.
19. His reason for liking me was because I was "soooo smart."
20. I didn't have a complex about being brainy when I was a kid, but I do now.
21. The only other time I have ever hit someone and meant it was in 8th grade.
22. That was a guy who grabbed my a** at a CYO function.
23. That may have been the moment when I decided the Catholic church wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
24. I'm a liberal on just about all social issues.
25. I'm proud to be called a feminist, even when people say it as an insult.
26. One of the things that makes me angriest at work is when I read student applications and find that students are not registered to vote.
27. My other angriest moments at work are usually about word usage.
28. My biggest reason for hating President Bush is because he says "NUCULAR."
29. I always tell people not to sweat the small stuff but I usually sweat the small stuff.
30. I have never had a first kiss at a bar or party.
31. Well, never at a bar, at least.
32. I have always been more of a relationship person than a hook up person.
33. I have tried to stay in touch with most of my exes.
34. One of the few people who truly gets me is one of them.
35. There are only 3 people who I'm sure really get me.
36. I like to Google people I haven't seen in a long time to see what they're doing.
37. I'm amused when doing this brings up porn -- try googling my friends from college, "Randy Hummer" and "Kevin Hand"
38. I have a very odd sense of humor.
39. I've been known to have a problem or two with the girlfriends of my male friends, even the ones in whom I would never have any interest.
40. I am usually around longer than these girlfriends are.
41. I'm a sports fan, which may be why I have lots of male friends.
42. I am appalled by most athletes.
43. I'm especially bothered by the NHL players this year.
44. I am often one of the loudest people at games.
45. This is one of the few times I'm really really loud. The other is late at night at bars.
46. I hate meeting new people, especially out somewhere.
47. I hate small talk, because I'm not good at it.
48. I am awful about keeping in touch with people via the phone.
49. I hate writing thank you notes.
50. This is not because of not being thankful but because I'm not good at it.
51. I love to cook.
52. I'm pretty good at it.
53. I like to try new things, especially if they are crafty things.
54. I am easily embarrassed.
55. I sometimes try to fit into what I think people think I'm like, even if they're wrong.
56. I hate that I care what people think of me.
57. I'm working on caring less.
58. My closest friends never judge me, even when they probably should.
59. I rarely find my job to be boring.
60. I have thought every job I've ever had until this one was boring.
61. I still haven't ever called my father in law by his first name.
62. I have known him for 8 1/2 years.
63. I hate when someone tries to find a "bright side" in every thing.
64. I try to force my hubby to find a "bright side" in every thing.
65. I'm freaked out by the unknown.
66. I often feel like there's a whole lot of unknown in the world.
67. I deal with this by planning out the next umpteen years of my life.
68. My planning rarely is even remotely similar to what actually happens.
69. The greatest calming factors in my life are my 2 cats.
70. I often think about them in the middle of the day when life seems to spinning out of control.
71. I don't care if that makes me a crazy cat lady.
72. I do my best to support animal rescue groups, since we got both of our kitties from them.
73. I wish I could support them more with time, but I do the best I can with a little time and all the money we can afford.
74. There are very few charities I give to because I don't really trust them.
75. I wish I was a more trusting person.
76. My obnoxiousness really is a cover for insecurity. My cynicism is genuine.
77. I love living where we live, in the middle of the Baltmore/DC metro area.
78. The idea that we might be moving soon freaks me out.
79. I've moved a number of times and I always hate it.
80. There are many more things that I can think of that I don't like than that I can think of that I do like.
81. But I'm not a negative person by nature.
82. I really do believe that things work out for the best, even if I don't know what the best is.
83. I have a bizarre love of the English language and hate when people misuse words.
84. Did I mention how much I hate when Bush says "nucular"????
85. Coming up with 100 things is too difficult, so I'm stopping at 85. Creativity is not my thing.

So, my friend Jenn (who will probably be the only one who actually reads this) has been doing this blog thing for a while and every time I read hers, I think -- I should start keeping a journal again -- something I did from about 5th grade until senior year in college -- to keep track of all the random thoughts that no one but me gives a damn about but that, for some reason, I always thought should be recorded for posterity. So for the sake of my ever decreasing sanity and for Jenn's potential entertainment, here I go a-blogging.......