On my mind...

This will officially be the last entry in this blog. I started this blog almost 3 years ago, as a place to write my thoughts, get my feelings and emotions on the proverbial paper and give myself a place to put my memories (good and bad) of things that have happened. Tonight, I learned that the things I write here are often twisted and turned and are essentially used against me.

On my blog, I try my best to be honest and genuine. It is who I am. Those who know me know that I do not lie well, and that I therefore generally don't bother to try. I am sometimes cryptic on this blog, as I am protecting myself from those who don't really know or understand me as well as protecting those of my friends who I may mention.

What I learned tonight is that there are those who read what is here and in other locations online and, without context or full information, choose to decide for themselves what the things I write here mean. I had an inkling of this a few months back when my mother had the impression that I was "informing" others of events in my life that I was keeping from her, purely because they read my blog and she did not. Those who read what I write and choose to draw their own conclusions and, worse yet, to share those conclusions with those who might be hurt by their assumptions are at best petty gossips and are, at worst, spiteful and intentionally hurtful.

I hate to allow that kind of person to change what I do but I suppose this is the way of the world. As if I had not already drawn myself into enough of a cocoon this year, this will be one step further, removing myself from those I used to call friends. To them, I say goodbye and best of luck. For those who are true friends, who truly know me, care about me, and know the person I am, I apologize for needing to remove this way of speaking to you, but I am simply not able to be honest here any longer.

This time last year, I reviewed my resolutions from New Years '05 and made up my ones for the new year. While I'm not quite ready to make my 07 resolutions, I wanted to review last year's to see how well (or badly) I've done. So, let's see:

1. Lose (and keep off) that annoying last 10 pounds. This year, I'm adding a deadline for the loss for April 1st, our trip to AC. Not because that date really matters for weight loss, but because I am a girl who loves her deadlines. This one was a huge success. I actually lost more than 20 pounds since I wrote this. Not bad, since I've also kept it off for the past 4 months.
2. Get even better at leaving the past in the past. Well, I'm still not great at this, but the person to whom this referred and I are doing well. We are back to being semi-normal friends with each other and are dealing with each other as if we are normal human beings.
3. Finish the *&^%*! scarf. Just because I said I'd put it here. Oh well. No luck on this one.
4. Take a participation cooking class. Again, no luck. I need to review these earlier in the year so that I can get done the things that aren't done.
5. Buy our house -- this is really #1 because if I am still in the apartment at this time next year it will only be because someone has tied me to a chair and not let me leave. Well, I accomplished this one, but less than a year later, I'm now selling it. Which means I accomplished one thing and created another.
6. Apply to, be accepted to, and start my doctoral program. Retaking the GREs was yesterday, so first step is underway on this one. Oh well. Life got in the way on this one. I did find several programs in which I'm interested and I'm working on figuring out what is right for me. I have to do it soon, because I am now at a point where I have to either get the degree or accept that I am not moving any further up. I'm not sure that I want to move up, but I also don't want to make it so that I can't.
7. Get a handle on my job. I'm new, so sometime in the next year, I'd like to feel like I have a clue what I'm doing. Got this one. I got a kick ass review. Of course, I also feel like now that I understand my job, I want to kill people on a daily basis. But at least I know why.
8. Work on being comfortable in my own skin. As it is right now, some days I feel fabulous. Other days, I'm wondering why anyone hangs around me. So, by this time next year I'm hoping to have more of the former and fewer of the latter. I'm getting better. Admittedly, I still have my "14 year old girl" days (some times quite a few right in a row) but I'm doing better at believing the people who think I'm great.

Stay tuned for the 07 resolutions in a few weeks!

If you think about Iraq at all, read this article. He says more than any press ever could.

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1543658-1,00.html

Well, I figured out that part of the answer to "how do you tell someone how fabulous they are" is "send them the blog where you wrote the question." It may not have solved anything, but at least I know that, even if just for a moment, there was a smile on someone's face when he read that I think he's super special.

And now, on to the rest.... I was re-reading a very old blog of Jenn's tonight about how songs affect us and how certain lyrics will stick with us forever. So, in light of that, I wanted to share my list of my top 10 (or so) songs that stick with me in that "memory" way.

1. Leader of the Band (Dan Fogelberg): This is the song my dad and I danced to at my wedding, but that isn't why it's special. It was the song we danced to because it was already "our" song -- first being named so when I was about 7 or 8 and it came out and I used to climb up on my dad's lap and we'd sing it (badly) together. The line about the "stories of the road" always reminds me of my dad's "when I was a kid" stories that he used to tell.

2. Friends in Low Places (Garth Brooks): While this song has been played on about a million occasions, it always reminds me of Eric W.'s birthday during my junior year in college. This was early in the night, in Wayne's living room with all of us drinking and singing. Later that night and into the next day, Jenn and I would both hook up with the birthday boy, have our only ever fight (which would last a total of about 5 waking hours), and make up over dunkin donuts. The song always reminds me of the start of the night and how, no matter what, Jenn will always be my best girl.

3. Good Enough (Sarah McLachlan): This was "my" song during my senior year in college. Every week during his show, I would make Chris play this for me. When I was graduating, I promised him that, no matter what, I would still call him to request "my" song. During his first show that fall, I called. That was the only time we talked until 2 1/2 years later. The first time we saw each other and talked again, one of the first things he said to me was that he went to Lilith fair with his then-girlfriend, heard this song and couldn't help but think of me. It is now over 10 years later, and if you ask him what "my" song is, this is what he'll name.

4. Shut Up and Kiss Me (Mary Chapin Carpenter): In the winter of my junior year in college, Aim, Jenn and I took a trip to Loyola (during which I was so drunk, I thought people moved the furniture on me -- don't even ask) and then to Ocean City. We were supposed to be going to see some of our guy friends but somehow it ended up the next morning as one of those "I cannot believe I just did THAT" nights. This was one of the first country songs that I liked, because the lyrics just seemed to fit in so perfectly with the moment.

5. Joking (Indigo Girls): I have no idea why, but this is our "going out" song. The girls and I have a thing about this song that somehow puts us back in 1995-6 on our way out to the flying club. It's something about the line about "girls in bars." Beyond that, I don't really get what it is about this song, but when I hear it, I will always think of Lisa, Lisa and Amy.

6. Mr. Jones (Counting Crows): Okay, so there was this guy. His last name was Jones. I SOOOOO loved him. So did Cyn. Everytime either one of us heard this song, we would end up in an hour long conversation about him. I can't remember exactly what it was about him, but I do know that he still had it 4 years later when Lisa pushed me into him one day when we were out in OC with the words "You remember Karen, right???"

7. Pink Houses (John "My name is still Cougar" Mellencamp): When we were kids, my family spent part of our summers down at Point Pleasant at a little cottage a block from the beach. It was pink. I'm not talking "hmmm... is that peach or pink" kind of pink but BRIGHT BRIGHT BRIGHT pink. When this song came out, Nee and I were convinced that it was all about us.

8. Dirty Little Secret (All American Rejects): The only band I've gone to see regularly in the past 10 years is my favorite cover band. While I always make a request, it's always something they already play -- until this spring, when i asked one of the new guys if they played this song. Soon there after, i got an email from the band leader that they had learned it. When they played it the next time I saw them, I almost cried, 'cause they announced to the bar that they learned it just for me. Of course, that may have been the drinks, but I don't think so.

9. Who I Am (Jessica Andrews): There's a line in this song that says "I am rosemary's granddaughter, the spitting image of my father and when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan. Sometimes, I'm clueless and I'm clumsy but I've got friends that love me, and they know just where I stand." Except that my grandmother's name was mary instead of rosemary, this is me, and every time i hear it, I sing it at the very very top of my lungs.

10. Brickhouse (Commodores): This is "my" song. I cannot help but dance when it comes on. More than once, it has been me and lisa w. on the dance floor by ourselves, because the band decides to play it WAY too early in the night and because Lisa loves me too much to make me dance on my own. But my very favorite time hearing this was when I requested it and the band neglected to play it. Because George felt bad about forgetting, I got an acoustic, just for me, version at the end of the night as the bar was closing. I haven't requested it since because no version of it will ever be that good again.

There are others, of course -- I have a million songs swimming in my head all the time, and some of them I love for a simple line, others for a moment in time. There are three or four from this summer that I think may eventually get added to this "remember forever" list. But for now, those are just for me.

I was talking to a semi-friend the other day (not semi as in I don't like him all that much, but semi in that I don't know him all that well, have known him for less than a year and know him only in one setting). So, we don't know each other all that well, but I know him well enough to know that he's an amazing person -- talented, creative, sweet but still a smartass in that way that I completely understand, able to be silly and serious within the same moment, just one of those people that you can't help but want to spend time around.

Well, for those of you who know me, you know that I'm a worrier -- not about the world in general, or about myself, but about my friends. My friends are my life, and I want them to be happy and content and have life "go their way," especially when I think that they really deserve it. I worry when it doesn't seem to be going that way. And, well, things are not going my new friend's way right now - it's been a rough last year for him, in a way that makes me feel guilty bitching about how crappy I've been feeling about my own life. I knew this, but things got worse in the past few weeks, and I wish there was something I could do.

The conversation we were having the other night made me flashback to my conversations with my J a few years ago. The conversations that had me screaming about "how dare you" and "what about me" and all of that selfish crap that was all I could think of at the time. I couldn't imagine that she didn't get how amazing she is and how much the world needed her around. More important to me, how much I needed (and still need) her around. How much, even on her worst days, she made my life better, and how much worse my life would be if she wasn't there. In that moment, she couldn't get that those she knew and even those she barely knew at all were better for having her around.

As I was talking to my much newer friend the other night, I was realizing how rare it is that we tell people how amazing we think they are. How much worse our lives would be without those little moments that they give to us. How their presence in the world makes us more content, happier, more at peace than if they weren't there. And how much the karma of the world just HAS to turn around for the better because they simply do not deserve the cards they've been dealt and have to get better very soon.

I'm trying to figure out how to say to someone I barely know that, in just the short time I've known him, he has changed me for the better. I know that he probably doesn't even remember the things that he's said that have changed me and my view of myself (I say this because part of the "knowing him in one setting" thing from above includes heavy alcohol). I also doubt that he sees that this is part of him being his amazing self, and not just part of me having at least 6 too many drinks every time I see him.

So, if anyone has any clever and effective ways of getting someone to see how wonderful they are, let me know.

Okay, so over the past few days, I've been getting some emails and IMs (some more cryptic than others) that suggest that people actually read this thing. So, here are a few rules of the blog to make this all go more smoothly:

1. I write here for me. If you happen to be mentioned, I will probably let you know, email you a link, etc. but generally only if I'm saying good things or if I'm being clever. My brain goes about a million miles a minute every second of the day (which is a whole lot of miles when you add them up) so I am generally not thinking of how anyone will "read" what's on here, but just getting it out.

2. Any IM that asks a specific question about something on here will be answered at my discretion. If you ask "does this mean...." and I answer you, don't assume I'm being completely honest with you. If I haven't given details here, I may or may not give details when you ask.

3. Never ever ever say I'm wrong with what I put on here. I am not wrong; we just disagree about what "right" is. Don't you people know me at all???

4. Try your best not to send messages to me that say things like "So, how are you?" when I suspect but am not positive that you read my blog. Particularly when I've been b**ching on here and don't know whether the answer to your question is "Fine" because you haven't read it, or "let me tell you the details" because you have. Most likely, I will split the difference, say something cryptic and leave you wondering what the heck I'm talking about.

and finally,
5. My mom sometimes reads this. My dad sometimes reads this. I'm only going so far in my details before I say "hmmmm... do I want the woman who gave birth to me to know about that???" Which is the same reason why I'm not giving them my myspace page. :)

Well, despite all the current turmoil I've decided that I am determined to be happy. I've been cranky and unhappy for a whole week now, which is about 6 1/2 days longer than I usually give myself. And I've decided that, no matter what, I'm going to be me. And me is a whole lot happier than I've been of late.

Back in June, Jenn and I went out one night, and a newer friend described me as "so pretty because you're always smiling." My response was, "Sweetie, that's cause every time you see me I've been drinking." It occurred to me that, had he said the same thing a few years ago, I just would have said, "Um, okay, thanks." (the um and the okay are because I'm not good at compliments, the thanks is because I AM usually smiling.)

So, now that I have given myself a week to pout, I'm over it. I'm not over all the stuff going on, and won't be any time soon, but I'm not going to let it affect me on such a deep level.

Quite honestly, I've got too much to look forward to -- stuff to do for the weekends for the next 3 weeks, Beach trip to OCNJ with Jenn on Thursday, and plans for almost every weekend until November... Day to day, I'm just gonna look forward to the simple things that have always made me happy before -- emails and messages from the very best friends a girl could have, cd mixes made just for me, and a job that no longer sucks quite as much as it used to.