On friendship and obligation...
I'm currently struggling with the idea of friendship and what being friends really means. Does it mean that you accept people the way they are -- even when they're doing things that you disagree with? Does having a negative reaction to something that a friend is doing make you less of a friend?
Here's the deal. Every year, a group of us go to Ocean City for memorial day. At the core, it's the same group it was 7 years ago -- me, lisa and lisa. It's never just the three of us, though. There are always others who come, some more often than others. Jenn usually, though not always, shows up. Prout always came with us until she moved to Florida (and really to not come to Ocean City, MD when Tampa is an option -- I can't really blame her). Some others are invited every year and we never know if they'll show up or not. One friend has been invited every year, stopped coming a few years ago and we try our best not to hold it against him though he always swears "next year" will be the one when he shows up.
So, with that as the backdrop, let me tell you a story. Several weeks ago, Lisa, Lisa and I went to Ocean City to see our favorite cover band. Two other guy friends went with us (actually one friend and a friend of his). The 1st guy and I had gotten to be friends just over the past two months -- we'd been talking pretty regularly, really just clicked for some reason. After hanging out with us at Ocean City last time, he was planning on coming to Memorial Day. Then, he started dating someone.
First, let me make this clear -- I'm incredibly happy for him. He almost glows, even through IM, when he talks about her. I'm excited to meet her. I'm really really happy that he's happy. BUT...
When he found out that she was going to Ocean City with her friends, he decided he'd rather spend the weekend with her. Understandable, right? Guy wants to be with his girlfriend, right?
Yeah, but what keeps crossing through my mind is that if it was one of my girlfriends, and they ditched us for a guy, MAN would we be pissed off. Ditching the friends for the date? That's just wrong.
So, now I'm trying to figure out if I'm allowed to be annoyed. Am I being thoughtless if I think that, despite the fact that he's in the early stages of this relationship, he should have said, "well, I have plans for memorial day, but maybe we can all meet up"???
I think the problem is that I would've said, sorry, I've got plans -- lets meet up! Brian and I have been together for almost 8 years now, and he knows that ya just don't get between me and my friends. Lisa and Lisa used to joke that they and Brian were my divorced parents -- sharing me on alternate weekends. The truth is that my friendships are about as important to me as anything could possibly be and the idea of ditching my friends for anything, even for Brian, is unthinkable. If there was an emergency, okay. But otherwise, I don't think so.
But maybe that would've just felt like obligation. Like, I'd rather be elsewhere, but I said I'd show up here, so now I have to. And I wouldn't want that either. I don't ever think that friends should have to do anything. They should want to spend time with you, right?
So, here's the question of the day -- is it unfair or something like that to expect people to behave in a certain way? Or, as friends, do we have to accept people the way they are, even if we'd do things differently?
Here's the deal. Every year, a group of us go to Ocean City for memorial day. At the core, it's the same group it was 7 years ago -- me, lisa and lisa. It's never just the three of us, though. There are always others who come, some more often than others. Jenn usually, though not always, shows up. Prout always came with us until she moved to Florida (and really to not come to Ocean City, MD when Tampa is an option -- I can't really blame her). Some others are invited every year and we never know if they'll show up or not. One friend has been invited every year, stopped coming a few years ago and we try our best not to hold it against him though he always swears "next year" will be the one when he shows up.
So, with that as the backdrop, let me tell you a story. Several weeks ago, Lisa, Lisa and I went to Ocean City to see our favorite cover band. Two other guy friends went with us (actually one friend and a friend of his). The 1st guy and I had gotten to be friends just over the past two months -- we'd been talking pretty regularly, really just clicked for some reason. After hanging out with us at Ocean City last time, he was planning on coming to Memorial Day. Then, he started dating someone.
First, let me make this clear -- I'm incredibly happy for him. He almost glows, even through IM, when he talks about her. I'm excited to meet her. I'm really really happy that he's happy. BUT...
When he found out that she was going to Ocean City with her friends, he decided he'd rather spend the weekend with her. Understandable, right? Guy wants to be with his girlfriend, right?
Yeah, but what keeps crossing through my mind is that if it was one of my girlfriends, and they ditched us for a guy, MAN would we be pissed off. Ditching the friends for the date? That's just wrong.
So, now I'm trying to figure out if I'm allowed to be annoyed. Am I being thoughtless if I think that, despite the fact that he's in the early stages of this relationship, he should have said, "well, I have plans for memorial day, but maybe we can all meet up"???
I think the problem is that I would've said, sorry, I've got plans -- lets meet up! Brian and I have been together for almost 8 years now, and he knows that ya just don't get between me and my friends. Lisa and Lisa used to joke that they and Brian were my divorced parents -- sharing me on alternate weekends. The truth is that my friendships are about as important to me as anything could possibly be and the idea of ditching my friends for anything, even for Brian, is unthinkable. If there was an emergency, okay. But otherwise, I don't think so.
But maybe that would've just felt like obligation. Like, I'd rather be elsewhere, but I said I'd show up here, so now I have to. And I wouldn't want that either. I don't ever think that friends should have to do anything. They should want to spend time with you, right?
So, here's the question of the day -- is it unfair or something like that to expect people to behave in a certain way? Or, as friends, do we have to accept people the way they are, even if we'd do things differently?
