Babies babies everywhere
Let me start off first by saying NO, this is not my way of announcing any happy news to the world. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is my way of saying, No, I am not pregnant, and no I am not devastated by that fact.
Lately, just about everyone I know who is in a couple (at work, with friends, with family) is pregnant. Between November 25th and December 31st, 4 people I know had babies. Between today and July 15th (approx) there will be at least another 8 (7 pregnancies, 1 with twins). Now, keep in mind, I do not begrudge my friends their happiness. In fact, I don't begrudge my friends anything. I love all of them, and I love their kids too. I can generally be counted on to bring a ridiculous number of gifts and toys to newborns, and I try my best to do something for every new pregnant mother that I know. I buy books, I buy outfits, I treat to lunch, etc.
This is, therefore, not about my friends and their pregnancies. This is about the random person who always seems to be standing right next to us when we're talking about one of these pregnancies. They can be counted on to say one of the following things:
1. So, when are YOU going to have a baby?
2. Aren't YOU going to have a baby?
3. How long are you guys going to wait?
and, my personal favorite,
4. So, are you just not having kids???
The questions are never from friends, because the folks we know either know the plan or figure we'll do whatever's right for us. These questions are from people I barely know or from people I don't even particularly like. The response I would like to use (though I am too nice to actually do it) is to say, "Actually, I'm infertile and I'm devastated about it. Thanks so much for bringing up such a terrible thing." But I won't.
Common wisdom may say that these people mean well. I disagree. These are not people who care about my welfare -- they are rarely people who would notice if I was there or not. They've just decided that I am of the "age" to be having children. It reminds me of the remark Jenn has frequently heard, "You're not married? But you're so pretty!" There are choices involved here. There is no set plan -- no requirement that the day I hit 30, I become pregnant. In fact, if the recent news provides the word on the subject, I've got years and years to go.
So, to clear it up once and for all:
1. No, I do not dislike children. In fact, I adore them.
2. Yes, someday we plan to have children of our own.
3. No, it will not be in the next 9 months.
4. No, we do not plan to consult anyone other than each other (and maybe a doctor) about planning.
Lately, just about everyone I know who is in a couple (at work, with friends, with family) is pregnant. Between November 25th and December 31st, 4 people I know had babies. Between today and July 15th (approx) there will be at least another 8 (7 pregnancies, 1 with twins). Now, keep in mind, I do not begrudge my friends their happiness. In fact, I don't begrudge my friends anything. I love all of them, and I love their kids too. I can generally be counted on to bring a ridiculous number of gifts and toys to newborns, and I try my best to do something for every new pregnant mother that I know. I buy books, I buy outfits, I treat to lunch, etc.
This is, therefore, not about my friends and their pregnancies. This is about the random person who always seems to be standing right next to us when we're talking about one of these pregnancies. They can be counted on to say one of the following things:
1. So, when are YOU going to have a baby?
2. Aren't YOU going to have a baby?
3. How long are you guys going to wait?
and, my personal favorite,
4. So, are you just not having kids???
The questions are never from friends, because the folks we know either know the plan or figure we'll do whatever's right for us. These questions are from people I barely know or from people I don't even particularly like. The response I would like to use (though I am too nice to actually do it) is to say, "Actually, I'm infertile and I'm devastated about it. Thanks so much for bringing up such a terrible thing." But I won't.
Common wisdom may say that these people mean well. I disagree. These are not people who care about my welfare -- they are rarely people who would notice if I was there or not. They've just decided that I am of the "age" to be having children. It reminds me of the remark Jenn has frequently heard, "You're not married? But you're so pretty!" There are choices involved here. There is no set plan -- no requirement that the day I hit 30, I become pregnant. In fact, if the recent news provides the word on the subject, I've got years and years to go.
So, to clear it up once and for all:
1. No, I do not dislike children. In fact, I adore them.
2. Yes, someday we plan to have children of our own.
3. No, it will not be in the next 9 months.
4. No, we do not plan to consult anyone other than each other (and maybe a doctor) about planning.
Let me second all that! Happy that there are other women in the world who realize that having children is a choice, it's not on a timeline and just because your married doesn't mean that you will start having babies every year.
Unfortunatly our society in it's infinite wisdom, thinks that all women should be married and having kids by the time they are 30 otherwise they have failed in their role as female. And so, other women (and sometimes men) think it's their place to question why it's not happening and shed advice. Like you said, friends know, and those who don't know you well enough that they shouldn't ask at the water cooler.
I know I shocked my parents when I told them I don't know if I want kids - especially since I was the one everyone figured I would have bunches. My sister looked at me strangely when I tried to explain that as much as I love children, there is more to deciding to have a baby than wanting to be a mom. And with a ring on my finger for 1 week I've gotten questions already about if we are planning to have a family.
My favorite response:
With the overpopulation of the world, the impending disaster of global warming, and the destruction of the worlds resources, bringing a child into this world would be considered cruel, and that would make me cry every day. (this will make them eye you strangely and walk away)
Gina
Posted by
mickeyg |
9:45 AM
I hear ya. My favorite was the owner of our favorite pizza joint asking Brian and me, when we told him we got engaged, "Great! So are you having kids right away?!"
Most people take for granted that the question is "when," rather than "if," and have no qualms about asking the question aloud.
My sister and her husband have been married for a little more than five years, and have, in fact, starting using the "I'm infertile" response because they're so tired of having to explain themselves all the time. It shuts people up pretty quickly (though I expect Gina's works pretty well, too!).
-- maureen
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:15 AM
I am leaning towards saying to people...
"My penis is broken... now fuck off."
Think they will ask me again?
Posted by
Smelmooo |
10:26 AM